Receive feedback with more grace, gratitude and guts.

We don’t choose the feedback we get, but we always control where it goes. Easier said than done, right? After years of helping organizations around the world receive and achieve feedback without fear, I’ve found that the best way to receive feedback well requires a combination of looking in, reaching out, and circling back. Each step can help us generate additional insights that lead to lasting improvement.

Start with a self-check

Before responding to negative feedback, impose a cool-down period and ask yourself these questions:

• Is this feedback personal? (Internal vs. external causes)

• Is this feedback permanent? (Infrequent vs. ever-present conditions)

• Is this feedback pervasive? (Isolated vs. widespread cases)

These questions can help you separate facts from feelings, distinguish fixed conditions from fluid circumstances, and identify where and when the feedback applies. Doing this self-check can help you set the record straight on the critical feedback you receive.

Reach out to others

We rarely get better all by ourselves. As a next step, widen the feedback loop by seeking insight and input from a trusted colleague, family member or friend:

• Ask for a “second story” to get an alternative perspective

• Develop a coping strategy or plan of execution

• Create an accountability plan focused on goals and growth

Getting an outsider’s perspective can provide much-needed distance and details that enable you to find the signal in the noise. Know who your “mirror holders” are — ultimately, they are the ones who will help you discover the joy of getting feedback.

Return to the source

Once you’ve done the inner and outer work of refining feedback, you’re ready for the final step: to engage the person who gave you feedback with actions that foster gratitude, grace and grit:

• Be courteous: Thank the person for giving you feedback — even if you don’t like it.

• Be curious: Clarify the feedback — where else is this happening?

• Be contrite: Apologize — don’t be too proud to say you’re sorry for what’s happened.

• Be constructive: Ask for advice — show that you want to move forward and improve.

These steps communicate your strength of character and seriousness of purpose. Not only will you be seen more credibly by others, but you’ll deepen your capacity for humility, curiosity and self-awareness — turning negative feedback into a positive force.

Keep this playbook handy the next time you get some tough news — you may come to accept it with more grace, grit, and even a bit of gratitude. Feedback should leave us feeling renewed and restored, not defeated and depleted. When we tune our emotions, enlist the support of others, and show our best intentions, getting negative feedback may turn out to be more positive than we think.