Good feedback is delivered with emotional intelligence.

Sharing critical feedback is a tough but necessary part of every manager's job. Many leaders find themselves spending a good deal of time preparing what to say and how to say it. That's a good approach, but it's not enough. Good feedback is emotionally intelligent feedback, and it incorporates the experience, emotions and expectations of others.

Delivering feedback this way requires a healthy dose of self-awareness and relationship management on the part of the giver. Here are a few ways to reach a heightened understanding of what others need from feedback-- and how to achieve it.

Account for expertise

Start by accounting for another person's expertise. Feedback preferences tend to change over time. For early-stage employees, there may be a stronger desire for reassurance: They want feedback that's rich in coaching and context to guide their next steps. More experienced workers, on the other hand, may prefer candid and direct feedback that helps them advance their careers. Whether it’s honors foreign language students describing their ideal teacher or savvy shoppers looking for guidance on beauty care products, these so-called "experts" prefer feedback that's bare-knuckled. Novices want feedback delivered with white gloves.

Emotionally intelligent feedback looks and sounds different from person to person. Tailoring our message to another's expertise shows that we understand what others want and need from feedback at any given moment. When we right-size feedback to match the moment, we're more likely to deliver better results.

Hone your empathy

Empathy is the signature skill of feedback, and the better we are at understanding how others feel, the stronger our feedback becomes. For some, empathy comes naturally. For others, it takes intentional practice. But our capacity for empathy starts at a young age.

In one study, researchers gave a group of infants ranging from 14 to 18 months old two bowls of food, one containing Goldfish crackers and the other filled with broccoli. Naturally, the infants showed a stronger preference for the crackers. As they ate, so did the adults -- but they expressed visible disgust while eating the crackers and obvious delight while eating the broccoli. When researchers asked the infants to pass them food, nearly 70 percent gave them broccoli. The infants may have liked Goldfish crackers more, but they sensed that their companions liked broccoli even better.

If there's a sensitive issue at stake, let others know upfront. Saying something like, "I realize that what we're about to discuss is difficult, and I want you to know that I'm sensitive to the way you may feel about this" can be both comforting and clarifying. It demonstrates empathy, and it's also remarkably effective.

Deliver with care

While it's important to show others we know them, we also have to show them carefully. Individuals who received negative feedback with encouraging social cues (such as smiles and nods) were more likely to interpret the feedback positively, while those who got positive feedback with negative emotional signals (frowns and scowls) felt worse about their overall performance. Even when we don't realize it, our "feedback face" is talking.

But giving emotionally intelligent feedback means more than just aligning our words and expressions. It's predicated on the act of noticing what others are showing us, too -- a sudden shift in tone, pitch or body language. Picking up on those signals and addressing them in the course of feedback -- "I get the sense that something may not be sitting right with you right now" -- sends the unmistakable message that feedback should bedriven by relationships, not just ratings.

Good feedback is emotionally intelligent feedback. Tailoring our feedback to the unique needs of individuals and telegraphing our intentions helps them feel more visible and valued at work. Ultimately, feedback is about what do for others, not to them. And that's the emotionally intelligent thing to do.

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