Stop giving feedback that you wouldn't want yourself.

You've heard of the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. But when it comes to giving feedback, we need to follow the Silver Rule: Don't treat others the way you would not want them to treat you.

Or, to put it more bluntly: If you don't like the way people give you feedback, don't give them feedback that way.

There's lots of ways feedback can go wrong: Poor intentions. Bad delivery. Insufficient data. No matter the cause, the result is always the same: Blame and shame. Denying and defying. The feedback of fear, not joy. And that sort of feedback never ends well.

Here's a few ways I try to follow the Silver Rule of giving feedback:

https://youtu.be/NyPcz8KMIjk

Don't sugarcoat

People can sniff out feedback that's insincere, indirect or just plain insulting. Disguising feedback doesn't soften the blow. It leads to more discomfort. If you want to deliver feedback that's kind, be candid and caring.

Don't hold back

Unlike wine or cheese or your favorite jeans, feedback does not get better with age. Withholding feedback raises the stakes, the tension and the possibility that neither you nor the other person will actually remember what happened. When it comes to feedback, the longer the wait, the shorter the memory.

Don't overload

Giving too much feedback at once leads to confusion, frustration and poor results. It's like asking someone to drink from a firehose. If you want others to actually do something with your feedback, size it and stage it in a way they can act on it.

So the next time you're about to give someone feedback, think about the Silver Rule. And if you do that, you might just give others the kind of feedback they actually want to receive.