Giving feedback is hard. Getting others to act on feedback can be harder.

You’ve tried your best to make feedback fearless: Your message is kind and clear. Your tone is non-threatening. Your delivery invites dialogue. By all counts, this is high-quality, valid feedback -- and yet it still hits a brick wall of opposition, denial and resistance.

How should you act when others won't act on your feedback?

There could be many reasons driving disengagement, including a perceived lack of trust, feelings of overwhelm, and a general fear of change. But for many people, this reluctance is simply an act of self-preservation. Telling people to change a behavior can be perceived as an unwanted judgement of their character and intentions. This provokes others to become defensive and dismissive of feedback. The best way to break through is by positioning feedback as something less threatening. These three shifts can help.

Focus on "what," not "why"

Asking others to explain what happened instead of why it happened offers them a useful point of entry. "What" feedback focuses on observable behaviors and outcomes, making it more objective and less likely to be perceived as a personal attack. It also provides clear, actionable information that helps others improve.

Try these variations of "what" feedback:

• "In the last project, you submitted the client's report two days after the deadline."
• "During our team meetings, you arrived 15 minutes late, which delayed our project timeline discussion."
• "When the report was submitted, several key data points were missing from the analysis."

Note the emphasis on clear, specific, actionable language that's free of judgement, guesswork and assumptions.

Be curious, not confrontational

Feedback can be fraught with emotion. A good way to lower the stakes is to shift the dynamics from blame to contribution. When we position feedback as a two-way conversation,  it comes across as a genuine attempt to understand others, not judge them -- increasing the likelihood they'll be receptive to what we have to say.

Try crafting your message like this:

• "Can you walk me through your thought process?"
• “I’m curious why you think that. Can you tell me more?”
• "I may be missing some information. Could you help me understand the situation better?"

By framing feedback with curiosity, we create a non-adversarial tone that encourages open dialogue and mutual understanding.

Ask others for their take

People like giving advice more than they like getting feedback. So if there’s a change you want to see in others, don’t tell them what to do. Ask them what they'd tell others to do. This "third-party perspective" puts distance between the person and the feedback and allows others to see their behavior more clearly. And if "saying is believing," then people are more likely to believe and act on advice they've given themselves.

Once others dish out their advice, use it as an opening for feedback:

• “I think that’s great advice. I’m wondering if you’d be willing to try that out as well.”
• "I appreciate your thoughtfulness on this. Given what you've just said, would you be open to discussing how we might implement some of these strategies in your own work?"

Keep in mind that some people may prefer a more direct approach and that certain situations call for greater candor. User discretion advised (:

The next time you aren’t getting the results you want from feedback, don’t just push people harder. Double down on specifics, strike a curious tone, and seek input from others, and your feedback just might break through.

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