Lessons from a feedback funeral
We need to look back before we can move forward.
Last week, I did something I hadn’t done before.
I attended a feedback funeral.
Actually, I officiated at one. And I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
In case you’re wondering, there was no body. Just a body of regret, remorse and resolve. About two dozen senior leaders hailing from multiple industries and functions gathered with me at the end our day-long workshop on fearless feedback to pay our last respects.
They seemed poised to leave behind the blame and shame that marks so many conversations about work. They felt empowered to move forward with feedforward. And they looked ready to embrace future possibilities instead of dwell on past failures.
But before they could make progress, they needed to make peace. Peace with the past.
I asked each leader to write down a feature of feedback they wanted to bury — for good. They wrote furiously in silence for about a minute. Their resolutions were personal and visceral and came straight from the heart. From the gut. They grew out of painful interactions at work and at home — tensions with bosses, arguments with coworkers, screaming matches with parents, children and partners. They were raw and real, all at once. One by one, attendees walked up to a miniature coffin, no more than 14 inches long, and lay their small, shriveled Post-It notes inside. Pastel shards expressing past hurt and hope slowly filled the coffin until the notes peeked out from all sides. The lid closed, and we buried them. Every last one.
Out of respect for privacy, I won’t share specifics. But here’s a sampling.
First, of feedback regrets:
- Not speaking hard truths
- Not caring when truths came out too hard
- Not accepting feedback with grace
- Not accepting feedback with grit
- Not accepting feedback at all
Next, of feedback failures:
- Talking over another person
- Treating another other person like a child
- Sugarcoating the message
- Sandwiching the message
- Too much talking
- Not enough listening
I’ve devoted a good deal of time and energy teaching others to adopt a feedback fix: Partnership over power. Agency over accountability. Relationships over reports. Joy over fear. Those are powerful shifts that produce a more positive feedback mindset and message.
But as this funeral taught me, we can’t move forward unless we look back. The past becomes prologue when we absorb it, affirm it, and then, gently but resolutely, let it go.
The feedback of fear is something we’ve all lived with. But it doesn’t have to define the way we live.
We can’t go back and change the past, but we can always move forward and fix the future.
Here’s to moving forward. And looking back.
How to land feedback from the start
With feedback, you need a strong takeoff for a solid landing.
Sharing good feedback takes skill and savvy, but it also requires a plan of action — an intentional effort to understand what others need and how you intend to meet and manage those expectations.
If you want feedback to land smoothly, a good place to start is at the beginning, before you engage in conversation. Through my work helping leaders design and deliver feedback without fear, I’ve seen the positive effect of having a feedback “entry point,” a well-designed plan for sharing your message.
Define your desired outcome
It’s critical to define your goals and objectives up front. Spend time before the conversation getting clear about your larger purpose: Are you sharing critical feedback? Asking your boss for more flexible hours? Defending an unpopular decision with members of your team? Different situations demand nuanced shifts in communication, and gaining this clarity will help you convey your message with conviction.
The act of perspective taking, or seeing something from another person’s point of view, has been shown to produce numerous benefits, including increased altruism, decreased stereotyping, and stronger social bonds.
To widen your view of others, ask yourself:
- Who else will be impacted by this conversation?
- What would others say or do if they knew about this conversation?
- Will the effects of this conversation ripple beyond the organization?
Words take on new meaning when you’re clear about who and what is at stake.
Anticipate what will be seen and said
Mental preparation helps, too. Brain scans show that people use the same neural networks whether they are actually moving or simply thinking about movement. And there’s research that suggests that merely rehearsing the steps and sequences of an action can lead to concrete improvement — all the more reason to think through these conversations ahead of time.
Before entering into a highly charged conversation, try engaging in shadow practice. Imagine you’re in the moment. What are you saying and doing? How do you look and sound? Does your message seem to be landing or falling flat?
Envision yourself in prime communication form:
- Is your voice calibrated?
- Is your tone measured and calm?
- Is your body language open and controlled?
Besides establishing your presence, plan for contingencies. Draw up a list of talking points and positions others may use to counter your message:
- What objections will be raised?
- What evidence will be shared?
- What experiences or expectations are they bringing to the table?
Laying out the conversation ahead of time will help you stay calm and focused, even if the exchange turns tense. Why? Because you’ve “been there” before.
Script before you speak
NFL coaches draw up their team’s first 15 offensive plays before they take the field. They don’t wing it. If you are bracing for a particularly rough conversation, it may be helpful to play offense and script what you plan to say, especially if you’re worried about finding the right words under pressure.
For greater impact, prepare with a feedback WRAP — a four-part feedback sequence that pairs candor with collaboration. The WRAP model fosters greater authenticity and action, enlisting others as partners in the process of their own progress.
Make sure to vent first
Don’t let pent-up emotions get in the way of positive dialogue. Over time, these feelings build up until they burst, and the emotional leakageleaves us unprepared to communicate in top form. It’s no surprise that so many conversations quickly fly off the rails with pain, blame and shame.
To avoid overheating, find a productive outlet for venting. Maybe it’s a trusted colleague or loved one. Or a reflective exercise, like journaling. The release will help you feel more grounded and clear-minded during tough conversations, and it might just prevent you from saying or doing something you’ll later come to regret.
While we can’t guarantee how others will take to our feedback, we can position ourselves for success with a proactive communication plan. By clarifying our goals, anticipating our moves, scripting our message and broadening our perspective, we can deliver the kind of constructive feedback that people need — and want — to hear.
The power of positive feedback
Positive feedback can make the difference in your work and relationships.
Repeat after me: Feedback can be positive, too!
Sounds obvious, right? But for most people, feedback is associated with criticism, correction and negativity. It leads to a vicious spiral of blame, shame and pain. This bias for negativity is the reason feedback often sparks fear, not joy.
For one New York hospital, going negative had them going nowhere.
Alarmed by poor handwashing practices on one of their wards, hospital administrators tried multiple tactics to boost compliance: They held meetings. They hung signs. They even stuck cameras by every sink and hand sanitizer in the unit, hoping that “big brother” would prompt reforms.
None of it worked. Staff compliance hovered stubbornly at 10%.
Then the hospital changed tactics. An electronic board was placed in the hallway of the unit that gave employees instant feedback. Every time staff washed their hands, the board flashed a positive message. It also displayed each shift’s hand-hygiene score, which created a fun but competitive element among workers. Within four weeks, compliance rates climbed to almost 90% — a result that was replicated in another unit of the hospital.
Benefits of positive feedback
Giving positive feedback can boost the way others feel about themselves and their work, leading to stronger relationships and higher levels of trust. But it can also improve team performance: In a study examining the effectiveness of business teams, the best-performing teams received nearly six positive statements for every negative statement, while unsuccessful teams received just one positive statements for each negative statement. Staying mindful of the positive-to-negative feedback ratio can make a difference in how people work.
It can also become a catalyst for growth and development. When we receive positive feedback, we are more likely to feel motivated to continue to learn and improve. When feedback is framed with a helpful message, it often encourages others to take action and develop a stronger sense of agency.
And let’s not forget the virtuous cycle it creates. Getting positive feedback activates the brain’s reward center, leading to increased motivation and effort. That drive to thrive results in better outcomes, which brings more positive feedback. And so it goes — positive in, positive out.
The best feedback helps others understand their strengths and provides the encouragement and guidance to build on those strengths. Staying mindful about our positive-to-negative feedback ratio can bring the results we need and drive the relationships we want.
Don’t inflate your feedback
Don’t inflate your message. Set the feedback record straight with these actions.
It’s no surprise that people inflate their feedback, especially when the message is critical. To spare others (and ourselves) from blame, discord or even retaliation, we sugarcoat feedback with more innocuous-sounding words and phrases that soften its blow. Telling people their work is “good” or that there’s a “real possibility” for promotion in the future seems harmless enough. But is it?
Not only does sugarcoating create confusion, but it holds others back from identifying and correcting performance flaws. Worse, managers may actually believe that they’re delivering clear and direct feedback even as they sugarcoat it. This illusion of transparency produces even more misunderstanding and strain on relationships.
Setting the message straight
By providing clear communication and expectations, we can help others do better work and develop a stronger sense of growth opportunities. Here’s a few ideas on how to share feedback that’s candid and constructive:
- Speak without fluff or fuss: Use simple and direct words that others can understand. If possible, provide examples to illustrate your point. Instead of telling a team member that her presentation looked “nice,” be specific about its merits (clean design, visual appeal) and open about its shortcomings (too many words, not enough data).
- Provide context and connection: Feedback that’s detached from big-picture goals and objectives seems abstract and hard to implement. Connecting feedback to established priorities makes the message more resonant and trackable. When feedback is guided by actionable steps, it stays grounded in reality.
- Make feedback a habit: As with most skills, practice makes progress. Giving feedback more frequently makes it more accurate, so look for ways to deliver it often. Taking routine feedback reps sharpens our delivery, raises our comfort, and makes it more likely that we’ll actually speak our minds when speaking to others.
The goal of feedback isn’t to make others feel better about their work. It’s to help them do better work. By speaking with more clarity, candor and care, we’ll deliver a message that others understand — and want to hear.
How to receive feedback (and like it, too)
Receive feedback with more grace, gratitude and guts.
We don’t choose the feedback we get, but we always control where it goes. Easier said than done, right? After years of helping organizations around the world receive and achieve feedback without fear, I’ve settled on a few principles and practices that can help. Some are directed at others. Others are pointed at ourselves.
Questions to ask yourself:
Before responding to negative feedback, impose a cool-down period and ask yourself these questions:
- Is this feedback personal? (Internal vs. external causes)
- Is this feedback permanent? (Infrequent vs. ever-present conditions)
- Is this feedback pervasive? (Isolated vs. widespread cases)
These questions can help you separate facts from feelings, distinguish fixed conditions from fluid circumstances, and identify where and when the feedback applies. Doing this self-check can help you set the record straight on the critical feedback you receive.
Questions to ask the giver:
Once you’ve done some inner tuning, you’re ready to engage the giver with actions that foster gratitude, grace and grit:
- Be courteous: Thank the person for giving you feedback — even if you don’t like it.
- Be curious: Clarify the feedback — when and where is this happening?
- Be contrite: Apologize — don’t be too proud to say you’re sorry for what’s happened.
- Be constructive: Ask for advice — show that you want to move forward and improve.
These steps communicate your strength of character and seriousness of purpose. Not only will you be seen more credibly by others, but you’ll deepen your capacity for humility, curiosity and self-awareness — turning negative feedback into a positive force.
Actions to take with others:
We rarely get better all by ourselves. As a final step, widen the feedback loop by seeking insight and input from a trusted colleague, family member or friend:
- Ask for a “second story” to get an alternative perspective
- Develop a coping strategy or plan of execution
- Create an accountability plan focused on goals and growth
Getting an outsider’s perspective can provide much-needed distance and details that enable you to find the signal in the noise. Know who your “mirror holders” are — ultimately, they are the ones who will help you discover the joy of getting feedback.
Keep this playbook handy the next time you get some tough news — you may come to accept it with more grace, grit, and even a bit of gratitude. Feedback should leave us feeling renewed and restored, not defeated and depleted. When we tune our emotions, show our best intentions, and enlist the support of others, getting negative feedback may turn out to be more positive than we think.
5 ways to heal the hurt of feedback
Turn the hurt into hope with a different outlook and attitude.
Getting negative feedback, especially from those we respect and trust, can quickly become an emotional train wreck that leaves us feeling hurt, helpless, and even a little bit hopeless. And when critical feedback is repeated over time, researchers have found that it can diminish our productivity, motivation and even our prospects for employment.
Ouch.
How can we turn a hurtful comment into a helpful construct? Try practicing the following five techniques, and you’ll start receiving feedback without fear — and maybe even with joy!
Receive, don’t respond
Instead of reacting to feedback right away, put some distance between you and the message. Listen to the review. Read the comments. But instead of deciding in that moment how you feel about the feedback, simply pause. Thank the person for sharing it and signal your intent to think about it later. Waiting to respond can prevent you from saying or doing something you may later come to regret.
Assess, don’t obsess
Not all feedback is valid or valuable. Consider the source, context and scope of feedback before allowing it to affect your thoughts, beliefs or actions. When trust runs lows, it might be helpful to flip the frame and examine whether the issue is personal (who you are), pervasive (how often it’s happening) or permanent (whether it can be changed). Flawed feedback hardly fixes anything.
Seek, don’t sulk
When feedback is hurtful, we naturally resist, revise and retreat. That’s why it’s so important to seek clarity from trusted sources who can help us find the signal in the noise. Asking the right questions can generate stronger insights and reveal the issues we might otherwise overlook. We can’t get better all by ourselves.
Put goals before grudges
An effective way to heal the hurt is to get goal-oriented. Rather than carry on with grievances and grudges, focus on your plan, performance and progress. The best goals aren’t just SMART, but FAST — frequently discussed, ambitious, specific and transparent. Ask yourself: What needs to change? Who can help me get there faster? How will I know when I’ve arrived? By setting new targets instead of settling old scores, we’re more likely to make our mark.
Reflect, don’t deflect
As a final measure, think about how you can close the feedback loop with the giver. This is more than just a courtesy. Sharing your goals and asking for additional input (assuming you want it) will demonstrate your credibility and boost the likelihood for future feedback. Show the giver how you’ve managed to let feedback pass through you, not by you.
Most of us remember the sting of negative feedback long after it’s delivered. But when we make way for a more thoughtful and focused response, chances are we’ll benefit from feedback long into the future as well.
Ask better questions
Ask these questions to help you get the feedback you want and need.
Getting feedback about who we are and what we do is the surest way to improve. Most people would agree it’s necessary. A recent BetterUp survey found that 65% of employees want more feedback, even though they acknowledge it may be difficult to receive. Then again, the feedback we receive from managers and loved ones may not arrive in time or hit the mark — assuming it’s delivered at all.
Asking for feedback can help. Instead of waiting for feedback, we can elicit the information we need on our own terms and timeline. But the way we ask for feedback matters, too. Unless we ask the right questions, we’re unlikely to get meaningful insights about how we can do better.
To make the most of a feedback request, try tailoring your questions to your specific needs. You may be in search of clarity. Or a deeper understanding of issues. You might just want a high-level picture of performance. The most effective questions are phrased and presented with these goals in mind.
Gain clarity with “light bulb” questions
When information that’s shared with us isn’t clear, we tend to make assumptions and fill in the gaps ourselves. “Light bulb” questions can help us better understand what the feedback really means — and what it means for us. They can help uncover the real intent behind what is said and sharpen our sense of where it points.
Some examples of light bulb questions include:
- Can you tell me more?
- Why do you say that?
- Is this something you’ve noticed often?
Use a light bulb question any time you need to clarify the meaning of a statement, understand the rationale behind a rating or grasp the finer points of an appraisal. Unless we make sense of the message, we can’t fully comprehend its meaning.
Go deeper with “funnel” questions
Once we begin to appreciate the feedback giver’s intent, it’s time to go deeper with “funnel” questions. Funnel questions allow us to better understand how decisions were reached and to respectfully challenge the assumptions behind them. They provide an opportunity to drill down to feedback’s core.
Some examples of funnel questions are:
- Can you explain how you reached this conclusion?
- Can you help me understand your reasoning?
- What’s driving this issue?
Use a funnel question any time you are seeking a detailed analysis of feedback, especially if it’s tied to a performance review. But be selective about which parts of feedback you want to unearth. Pushing the feedback giver too hard for his or her rationale may be received unfavorably.
Grasp the big picture with “chair lift” questions
Good feedback finds a way to stay grounded and goal-oriented. It addresses current challenges but maps out future possibilities. For optimal positioning, consider asking “chair lift” questions. These questions raise feedback to a higher level where we can expand our view of causes, connections and consequences. They allow us to look at events as if we’re seeing them through a panorama, not a peephole.
Some examples of chair lift questions are:
- What issues haven’t we considered yet?
- Are we addressing the right goals?
- Have we considered what the implications of this might be?
Use a chair lift question whenever you’re trying to set a broader context for feedback, establish long-term growth goals, or refine your performance targets. This over-the-horizon approach allows us to shift the feedback dynamic from the past to the future.
We shouldn’t have to wait to get the feedback we need. By asking the right questions at the right moment, we can generate powerful insights about our work and build our capacity for growth. Better feedback begins with better questions.
How to flip your feedback
Changing the frame can change the effect.
Getting negative feedback, especially from those we respect and trust, can quickly become an emotional train wreck that leaves us feeling hurt, helpless, and even a little bit hopeless. And when critical feedback is repeated over time, researchers have found that it can diminish our productivity, motivation and even our prospects for employment.
The good news? We can flip the frame on negative feedback by changing the story.
While we can’t control what happens to us, we can always change what happens next. Whether negative feedback causes us to become depleted or determined may have to do with something psychologists call explanatory style — the way we explain the things that happen to us. It’s essentially the story that we tell ourselves after an experience or encounter with others.
The stories we tell ourselves
Explanatory style takes two forms: optimistic and pessimistic. Pessimists blame failure on themselves and attribute success to external causes. Optimists do the opposite: They attribute failure to circumstances beyond their control and success to their own efforts.
People with a pessimistic explanatory style receive negative feedback and believe that their shortcomings are simply part of who they are, while individuals with an optimistic explanatory style think about criticism in terms of growth and opportunity.
For example, after receiving negative feedback about a sales presentation, the pessimist takes a defeatist attitude (“I’m terrible at explaining products and this will never change”), while the optimist adopts a developmental approach (“Here’s how I’ll tweak my sales pitch to get better results”).
Flip the feedback frame
How can we develop an a more optimistic outlook on negative feedback? By determining whether the negative feedback is personal, pervasive and permanent.
First, ask yourself if the negative feedback is personal. Do you bear responsibility for what’s happening? Or it is beyond your control?
Pessimists treat failure as stable. They assume it’s a function of their own limitations and expect it to happen again. They regard negative feedback as a natural consequence of their character. Optimists think of failure as fluid — it’s more likely the result of external conditions, not internal characteristics. For them, getting negative feedback may have more to do with a set of circumstances than their personal traits.
Next, ask yourself if the negative feedback is pervasive. Is this action affecting other aspects of your life? Or is it more localized?
Pessimists tend to believe that negative events are cumulative and spill into other areas. They’re more likely to think of negative feedback as a feature, not a bug. Optimists believe that failures are isolated, not inevitable. They’re more likely to see negative feedback as a bump, not a byway.
Finally, ask yourself if the negative feedback is permanent. Are the causes or effects here to stay? Or will they only last temporarily?
Pessimists tend to adopt a fixed, permanent view and believe that bad outcomes will endure indefinitely. With negative feedback, they assume there’s no end in sight. Optimists take a more fluid, temporary view of setbacks and believe they can become starting points for growth. For them, negative feedback is a catalyst, not a crucible.
Finding a more positive perspective
In a perfect world, we’d always choose the more optimistic explanatory style and think of tough feedback as something that’s only temporary, limited in its scope and within our ability to change. Then again, critical feedback has a way of casting doom and gloom. So what can we do to flip the frame?
Here are a few tiny adjustments that can help you change how you receive and respond to criticism:
- Impose a cool-down period: Let negative feedback sit for a day or so before responding. When the initial sting of criticism wears off, you’ll be in much better position to evaluate the message with greater calm and clarity.
- Widen the feedback loop: Ask a trusted colleague, family member or friend to help interpret the feedback. Getting an outsider’s perspective can provide much-needed distance and detail, helping you separate facts from feelings and find the signal in the noise.
- Revisit the issue with the giver: While we’d like nothing more than to bury bad news in the past, it’s more constructive to engage in future dialogue with the person who gave it. Let him or her know you’ve thought about the feedback and want to craft a plan of improvement. If you disagree with premise of the feedback, ask for an opportunity to present your side of the story.
We don’t choose the feedback we get, but we always get to choose where it goes. By understanding how the mind processes feedback and then consciously shifting our view, we can turn negative feedback into positive results that lead to real and lasting improvement.
Leadership is Listening
Listening is the key to great leadership. Here’s how you can tune in.
Leaders do plenty of talking — delivering feedback, communicating goals, and managing change. But the best leaders are listeners. Good listening makes it possible to read people’s attitudes and motivations. It fosters more cooperative relationships. And it helps us detect the subtle, simmering issues that hum quietly in the background.
Some leaders are naturally good listeners. When others speak, they eliminate surrounding noise and distractions. They’re fully engaged partners. For everyone else, there’s hope: Like most skills, listening is a learned behavior that can be practiced and refined.
If you want to improve this critical skill, listen up.
Don’t ask questions with hidden agendas.
Some questions are just statements in disguise. On the surface, they look and sound like questions. In reality, they conceal a hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, convincing, or correcting others. When questions begin with, “Wouldn’t you agree?” or “Don’t you think?” and end with some variation of “Am I right?” you’re probably trying to get others to see your point of view, not understand theirs.
Well-crafted questions stick to the point but give room for elaboration. If a team member raises concerns about the timeline for a new marketing campaign, don’t dismiss and deflect the challenge. Instead, try asking a clarifying question — “It sounds like you’re worried about our deliverables…did I get that right?” That simple check for understanding conveys genuine interest, amplifies the other person’s voice, and allows more information to make its way across.
Be reflective, not reflexive.
When we hear bad news, there’s a tendency to react with quick, reflexive solutions. But the fix-it approach goes straight to symptoms, not causes. Reflective leaders listen for the problem beneath the problem. They don’t just focus on the “what.” They listen for the “so what?” Rather than rush to fix the problem, they step back and try to frame the issue:
- What hope, fear or concern is this person trying to communicate?
- What assumptions is this person making?
- What reasoning is this person offering?
It’s helpful to buffer your response with “wait time” — a self-imposed quiet period to consider what others are saying. Hold yourself to a few moments of silence before speaking. By shifting from a reflexive to reflective approach, you’ll not only give others more space to share, but you’ll get a fuller understanding of the what, so what and now what?
Listen for the silent signals.
What we show matters more than what we say. Body language and other nonverbal cues reveal our true feelings — the silent signals that are left unspoken. Good listeners can collect additional insights simply by watching for the body’s tell-tale signs:
- Hushed tone
- Slumped or closed posture
- Lack of eye contact
- Furrowed brow
- Tightening of the cheeks and lips
For leaders, paying attention pays off: Researchers found that people volunteered less information and spoke less articulately when talking to inattentive listeners. But when they perceived others to be more aware of body language and nonverbal cues, they provided more relevant and detailed information — even without the other person having to ask for it.
Leading is listening. If you want to increase your leadership presence, demonstrate greater empathy and show people they matter, then take stock of how you’re seeking and receiving information from others. You might just be surprised by what you hear.
Make a plan for difficult feedback
How do you make difficult feedback even harder? By not showing up prepared.
Communicating effectively takes skill and savvy, but it also requires a plan of action — an intentional effort to understand what others need and how you intend to meet and manage those expectations.
If you need to share difficult feedback and want your feedback message to land smoothly, you need a plan for success. Through my work helping leaders design and deliver feedback without fear, I’ve seen the positive effect of having a feedback “entry point,” a well-designed plan for sharing your message. And the best place to start is at the beginning.
Define your desired outcome.
It’s critical to define your goals and objectives up front. Spend time before the conversation getting clear about your larger purpose: Are you sharing critical feedback? Asking your boss for more flexible hours? Defending an unpopular decision with members of your team? Different situations demand nuanced shifts in communication, and gaining this clarity will help you convey your message with conviction.
The act of perspective taking, or seeing something from another person’s point of view, has been shown to produce numerous benefits, including increased altruism, decreased stereotyping, and stronger social bonds.
To widen your view of others, ask yourself:
- Who else will be impacted by this conversation?
- What would others say or do if they knew about this conversation?
- Will the effects of this conversation ripple beyond the organization?
Words take on new meaning when you’re clear about who and what is at stake.
Anticipate what will be seen and said.
Mental preparation helps, too. Brain scans show that people use the same neural networks whether they are actually moving or simply thinking about movement. And there’s research that suggests that merely rehearsing the steps and sequences of an action can lead to concrete improvement — all the more reason to think through these conversations ahead of time.
Before entering into a highly charged conversation, try engaging in shadow practice. Imagine you’re in the moment. What are you saying and doing? How do you look and sound? Does your message seem to be landing or falling flat?
Envision yourself in prime communication form:
- Is your voice calibrated?
- Is your tone measured and calm?
- Is your body language open and controlled?
Besides establishing your presence, plan for contingencies. Draw up a list of talking points and positions others may use to counter your message:
- What objections will be raised?
- What evidence will be shared?
- What experiences or expectations are they bringing to the table?
Laying out the conversation ahead of time will help you stay calm and focused, even if the exchange turns tense. Why? Because you’ve “been there” before.
Script before you speak.
NFL coaches draw up their team’s first 15 offensive plays before they take the field. They don’t wing it. If you are bracing for a particularly rough conversation, it may be helpful to play offense and script what you plan to say, especially if you’re worried about finding the right words under pressure.
For greater impact, prepare with a feedback WRAP — a four-part feedback sequence that matches candor with collaboration. The WRAP model fosters greater authenticity and action, enlisting others as partners in the process of their own progress.
Make sure to vent first.
Don’t let pent-up emotions get in the way of positive dialogue. Over time, these feelings build up until they burst, and the emotional leakage leaves us unprepared to communicate in top form. It’s no surprise that so many conversations quickly fly off the rails with pain, blame and shame.
To avoid overheating, find a productive outlet for venting. Maybe it’s a trusted colleague or loved one. Or a reflective exercise, like journaling. The release will help you feel more grounded and clear-minded during tough conversations, and it might just prevent you from saying or doing something you’ll later come to regret.
While we can’t guarantee how others will take to our feedback, we can position ourselves for success with a proactive communication plan. By clarifying our goals, anticipating our moves, scripting our message and broadening our perspective, we can deliver the kind of constructive feedback that people need — and want — to hear.